out my window, a memory.

Hello Goodbye.

2009-09-15T11:15:13Z

LOCKED.

"You will not persuade me with appeals to my intellectual vanity. And be grateful, our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real."

HAHA.

2009-09-14T17:37:04Z

Band to day was blah, and so was my internship.
negative comments and a tiring day later a shitty ass feeling formed.
after today's attachment, i was in a desperate need of a hug.
but then i hardened up and told myself nobody is going come near you and you must not accept hugs from nobody.
tough, but i survived it.

KAPed, then home.
daddy went to sleep, and damn i really want a cup of hot milo plus condensed milk.
why did he have to sleep so early today?
and it's times like this when i miss you the most.
to run all the way back to choa chu kang just to get a teaspoon, milo and CONDENSED MILK for me, even though there's 3-in1 mix, knowing that i don't like it and will take forever to drink just like camp.
but no, nobody's gonna do that.
damn, i'm tired but i simply can't sleep.
thank you cindy for sending me PICTURES OF MILO AND CONDENSED MILK.

love you, not sleepy but goodnight. (:

whoopee.

2009-09-12T16:37:38Z

Headed to town today with the intention on getting my father a belt.
we were supposed to leave the house at 3, but instead we only left at 5.30.
anyway, headed to City Hall first to have dinner at Carl's Junior.
or in my sister's idea, to beat the Puasa crowd. ( i swear i made a face at her.)
anyway, we went lazily to Isetan and bought daddy a belt.
gosh, my sister is damn swaku. she didn't konw that belts were reversible,
just by turning it's buckle. stupid. -.-
anyway, i bought a pair of shoes, and hell,
it's bit my feet.
got home and here i am.

i'm going to revamp this space.
it needs a new look.

and my next entry is going to be a medicine post for sure.
i'm hating pills to the core, and i think this medication i'm taking is permanent.
maybe not till i die, but it's going to be a looooong time. ):
ecstasy, grass and ball bearings.
that's what it looks like.
on top of that, i can't drink tea.
I MISS YOU, TEA.
i didn't know i loved you so much til i have to abstain from you. i must have you every morning if not i won't be awake. you're even better than coffee, tea. green tea, lemon tea, earl grey tea. TEA, I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU, I PROMISE. ):

jeanettemad @ 2009-09-12T14:59:00

2009-09-12T07:20:03Z

you're just the same old brand new you.
still as predictable, you haven't move on.
i know it, not because i feel anything like before,
simply because you have already allowed me to read you.
i've hit you where it hurts, even my simple questions take you so long to answer.
whatever i said yesterday was but a test for myself, and you.
oh my dear boy, you haven't changed at all.
you don't need to watch your back, i won't burn you alive, guilty boy.
but something you've got to learn is that with every decision you make, someone else's life is affected.
you decided what you want in your life, that itself already decided on how my life would change.
i didn't have a say in it, otherwise you'd have allowed me to be part of it.
funny how a person of your calibre didn't realise this, you were too busy covering your own ass, and giving yourself reasons.
you haven't forgotten, and of course, you say you won't care.
you're in the process of forgetting, which is why you can't even feel.
of that, i'm so sure, i can even put my life on the lines.
that hurts me, i guess. it's your only retribution.
which is my only source of comfort, that you'd not even feel, anymore.
because in the event that you choose to feel again,
you're going to feel more than you wished for.
i clicked on the link of your blog, i laughed hard.
because the things you write, peculiar.
Grow up, that's what you need to do.
put you down in words is all i have done, but you put me down with actions.
sugar coat, helping, no need, blah.
last night's conversation didn't make me want to leave, didn't make me want to hate you.
it made me sure of the impact i made: you'll never feel again, even if you do, it's going to hurt.
DonLimJuneWei, you can't see me anymore, because my simple presence is gonna make you feel hell.
you owe me apologies for many things, for sure.
oh yes, i take that back, the one where i told you to grow some balls. you need to grow a conscience.
and your friends, they need to grow up too. poly life has surely dumbed me down a fair bit.
but i guess this knock on the head that was seen as a retribution from you for mistreating you,
is your retribution.
at least i know now, the one who can't move on ain't, it's you. (:
i love you, goodbye.

GONE FOR A BIT, BYE. (:

busy.

2009-09-09T15:56:14Z

i spent today watching pushing daisies, heading out to take my sister for lunch and shopping.
went for some gathering with my mom, didn't even know the people there.

"Someone should set you on fire for throwing my heart under a bus when you told me you didn't want me."
"That's the truth bus."
"no, that was the bitchy crosstown bus."

band tomorrow, i don't know if i should go.
lazy.

jeanettemad @ 2009-09-09T12:21:00

2009-09-09T04:27:18Z

today i'm just gonna type out an entry on punctuality.
it's funny for me to write it, since i'm always late.
but if i'm late, i'd at least have the courtesy to call or text or pick up phone calls when i know i'll be late.
and the most i'd be late for is what 30 mins?
and the person on the waiting end knows ALREADY exactly how long i'll be late for.
what i don't like is the not answering of phone calls, texts or any form of contact when the timing when we're supposed to meet.
whay? BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL ASLEEP.
i make it a point to wake up, i make it a point to at least be on time.
we arranged to meet at 12. or like we said yesterday, leave wherever we are at 12.
HAHA. IT'S 1225 NOW.
and where are they? somewhere, asleep.
unless you all learn to be on time, or at least pick up your phones,
i will not meet you all. ever.
don't say i'm kicking up a fuss for nothing.
because you all aren't late, you all are still asleep.
sleep well.

bye.

FLU.

2009-09-08T16:53:20Z

today went by well.
dear cindy and michelle, I DO NOT HAVE _______ FLU.
*chanting* don't have don't have don't have.
i just found so many things that i want to have.

1. STOMP 2009.

FUCK, STOMP IS HERE IN SINGAPORE. i already missed JUMP from Korea, i cannot miss STOMP.
it's damn bloody good, i saw the brochure for it today at sistic.
and i googled, and youtubed and wiki-ed it.
GOSH. I JUST HAVE TO GO FOR STOMP.

ANYBODY WANTS TO GO? RAAAHH.

2. PUSHING DAISIES.
my Pushing Daisies craze is back again. i cannot believe ABC canned it!
how can anyone not love the Piemaker Ned and Chuck?
it's such a lovely show.

"what about the butterfly wings?"
"they cause hurricanes"
"am i a hurricane?"
"a little bit, but i like the weather."

how nice. (:

NIGHT PEOPLE.

whimsical journeys.

2009-09-07T16:28:50Z

ascotts was ABSOLUTELY AWESOME.
the place was beautiful, we were beautiful, right? LIM ZI YANG, YOU LOVE US SO MUCH LAH, JUST ADMIT IT.
we gave an awesome gift.
BUT THE FOOD WAS BAD, WE RUSH ALL THE WAY FOR WHAT? NO FOOD THERE, HAD TO ORDER 50 DOLLARS WORTH OF FAST FOOD FOR US. WHAT IS THIS.
nevermind,his friend so effing boring and noisy. irritating. 21 years old still like this. mampos.
anyway, we still love you lah huh.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZIYANG LIM! :D

Today was kinda okay. i went for band today! sucked because i had to wait to find out which instrument was mine. and that only weixing and i were there. he super funny lahh! we laugh at the same place, got lost at the same place, and found it again AT THE SAME PLACE. Scary much.
went to macdonalds after that and ate. (:

on the bus journey home i thought through a whole lot of things.
Ming Tjun's probing questions sparked me, it made me think thorough a lot of things.
do i really want to feel it? i wanted a hiatus didn't i? i wanted to run away from it.
but running away doesn't solve anything. since when did i become so cowardly, since when was i someone who gave up? since when was i a quitter? since when did i lose control of my life? since when did it start?
then the most important question: Am I Happy?
if it really was so bad i needed to run, maybe i shouldn't bother to find out, and stick to status quo. curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?
but i'm essentially stubborn. i will always believe satisfaction revived the stupid old cat.
if it really doesn't turn out pleasant, i'll decide then again i guess.
i've embarked on and bent on remembering, bent on reliving, bent on knowing now.
there's no turning back. life is such i guess.
when something happens, it will be etched on, just like a quill on a piece of parchment. liquid paper, correction tape it off, it will still be there, just hidden, hoping that people will overlook the first mark. but everybody makes mistakes, which is why people forgive when mistake are made, just like a spelling error. but does that lessen the fact that the error has been made? which is why people never forget.
but after going around in circles, am i happy? what kind of happiness is this? give me some time.

a few classic lines today:
Maisey x9 Mouse, YOU ALSO TURNING RIGHT!, POOH-SEE IN THE WELL, see-too-pittt-de.
love you girls, michelle and cindy.

OMG I'M LATE.

2009-09-06T16:04:07Z

i'll update fast and quick.

firstly to michelle, it needs to end somewhere. i agree with cindy actually, that it doesn't make a difference, at least not till i find any difference. life goes on as usual, so yes, you think about stuff that comes out, picking up things or signals or whatever the heck. i'm more curious than you, actually. it's like word vomit. i'm trying my hardest to remember things and it's easier to remember events than people.give me some time, give me some room, everything should flow properly. if it would make you happy and us stop fighting anymore, i'll just stop telling anybody about anything regarding this anymore. i'll tell you this whole thing was just a big old fat lie and just leave and vanish from you, okay, i won't vanish, i can't function for sure. but this will then be my new best kept secret. from now on, this would be a silent matter. everybody just erase this from your memories. ironic like crazy, because this would be my secret. i plead temporary insanity, listen to michelle, she's right, and this is just a huge mistake. i'm sorry, i apologize. i should have left things as it is. if you think that i'm saying this out of sarcasm, no alright? it's just that i don't know what to do anymore. i'm sorry for not stepping in your shoes. but you've got to step in mine alright? so for now, i think i'd just keep to myself and shut up. it's better for you and the rest anyway. because i think you're more important to anyone of them as compared to me. no wars, no more wars please. it sucks to see you getting cynical over this. so just tell me what you want me to do, i'd do it. i miss the old SAC days, where everything just seem to pass by without a care. maybe in time i'll find out why things have changed. hiding? no. just this situation has to be hidden, that's all. the me before this wanted to go into hiding. i'll know why soon. i already know why. it's just that i don't feel it. funny feeling it is, being told of things in third-party narrating style instead of actually feeling and having the emotions. or reliving past emotions. Glass Menagerie, you taught me well. (:

went for the philharmonic winds concert today. met a few old characters. had a bit of fun laughing and all.

michelle and cindy, you very pretty. (:

Am I?

2009-09-04T13:56:58Z

Internship is Horrible.
I'm so shagged, sleepy, tired, drained and burnt and molting.
But, it's all worth it. (:

Went for Band yesterday. Absolutely tired, and played barely 50 notes. haven't played in a long time and i swear i'm rusty.
woke up this morning tired like crazy and headed for attachment.
ZOO WAS AWESOME.
i seriously love giraffes. so cool.
and there's this new huge water play area!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've given up on this matter of trust, because what i say or do will not change it. I'm honestly kinda disappointed that you all of all people don't believe me. You have no idea what it's like not understanding all the things you're laughing at, all the things people know. I want to know all the funny things you guys are laughing at, it's so fucking awkward at the table, at band because i don't understand a single fuck and nobody bothers to explain. So yeah, whether you like it or not, i will remember someday and i swear if i find out anything that you all are hiding from me, it's not gonna be a good thing. honestly, you all don't have to explain anymore, because i know none of you believe me. yesterday was the time where i confirmed that nobody can be depended upon, even your so-called friends because nobody is gonna help you but yourself.
whatever you all want to tell me, whatever you all need to admit to or say, you'd better do it soon, where i still am quite clueless. it's too timely, it's too much of a coincidence in comparison to some conversations. it simply didn't seem any different. yeah, that's what you think. because you simply don't know what it's like, and simply can't be bothered. are you are bothered, but you're looking from your perspectives: "you should know what!". HA. fine then, take it however you like then. since i'm such a liar. what sort of a friend then, when i can't even have that basic trust that whatever i said will be taken as a truth and not compared to coincidence. i'm not angry, i'm just slightly disappointed. i'm glad you called and told it to my face, but then again, it doesn't redeem you guys. it just tells me you have the guts to admit it. honesty, but in a friend, honesty isn't the only thing that i'm looking for. but all i can say is, think what you like. i'm a liar in your eyes already, because everything was just too timely, too timely. i'm helping myself now, and whatever decision i'll make in the future, this will definitely be taken into consideration, for sure. i'm bent on remembering, and i'm bent on making a decision, whether you like it or not. you can hate me, you can say i'm being an unreasonable stuck-up bitch who is so full of herself. but at the end of the day, am i?

I'm tired. Very tired. there's a party tomorrow, and Fee's concert on Sunday. ENERGY, I NEED YOU.

I HATE ASSHOLES.

2009-09-02T16:44:25Z

Started my day with a sausage mcmuffin, iced tea and 2 hashbrowns.
Aglio Oli and Fries.
Dinner was free with many many thanks to Fee and let's just skip the dessert part, shall we?
Timothy, i'll pay you the money and Latiff thanks for the 10 buckaroos.
Bakerzin, embarrassing, AhWai, Leslie Loo TianCi Ah Beng Sai and Glynnis, I still love you guys.
Cant' wait to talk to Ken tomorrow.
You'd better watch your back ehhhhhh.

Dear Asshole,

i want you to take back whatever you said to me and you'd jolly well take it back and never pull it out again. if you think i'm lying about this, come and get me. BITE ME. why the fuck would i lie about not remembering anything? you think it's fun? oh no, you think it's funny. i'm so bloody tempted to put your msn conversation here, right here for the whole entire world to see. i have nothing to hide. you think i'm making all of this up, don't you? so i'll be pitied and wanted in your clique? you really think you're all that? for goodness sakes', who have i been hanging out with? i really really doubt it's you. facebook is like concrete proof, really. I HAVE LIKE WHAT, NO PICTURES WITH YOU AND YOUR STINKING CLIQUE, NEITHER DO I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR STINKING FRIENDS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. and by the way, what do i gain in making my favourie girls worry and so stressed out for? what the fuck do you want with me lah! going around gossiping, talking about these things behind my back. Honestly, since the day everyone found out, i have gained NOTHING but mockery for things that i don't know but should know. i hate you for doing this, and i don't know why you're doing this. absolutely upseeting, it's just perfect for an already bad day.
think what you like, asshole, i'm a liar in your eyes, so yes. i'll just continue being a liar. Jeanette the Liar, PERFECT. (:

Anyway, goodnight people. watch out for the world, it's full of annoying people. and Jeanette the Liar, watch out.

Hello All.

2009-09-01T15:55:20Z

it was 11:11pm when i IM-ed Cindy.
She said that 11:11 can make a wish and it supposedly will come true.
damn, i felt like i missed a perfect opportunity to make a wish for something.
i thought about it, and figured that if 11:11 was like a "FREE WISHES" sort of thing,
i'd wish i would remember everything.
only then i would be able to know what happened in the past and then able to make another wish, right?

i really want to know what happened.
i've looked through facebook, tons photos, blogs, livejournals, Ripieno camp stuff, my own journal and organizer.
nothing, simply nothing.
it seriously looked like a whole lot of memories and a whole lot of fun.
but what the hell is it that i don't want to remember?
forget it, i'm lazy to think.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for the faint hearted, don't scroll down please.

Issei Sagawa- A Taste for Beauty

Renee Hartevelt

11, June, 1981 - ” I am amazed.
She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Tall, blonde with pure white skin, she astonishes me with her grace.

I invited her to my home for a Japanese dinner, she accepts.
After the meal I asked her to read my favorite German Expressionist poem.

As she reads i can’t keep my eyes off her.

After she leaves I can still smell her body on the bed sheet where she sat reading the poem.
I lick the chopsticks and dishes she used.

I can taste her lips, my passion is so great, I want to eat her.
If I do she will be mine forever, there is no escape from this desire.

I arrange for her to read the poem for me once more, I lie to her.
I tell her I want to record the poem on tape for my Japanese teacher.

She believes, I prepare everything. The cassette recorder for the poem, the rifle for the sacrifice.

She arrives on time. After drinking tea and whisky, she speaks. She smiles at me.

But I know inside that I’m the strangest one of all, her yellow sleeveless top shows off her beautiful white arms and I can smell her body. I turn on the recorder, she starts to read speaking in perfect German.

I reach for the rifle hidden beside the chest of drawers.
I stand slowly and aim the riffle at the back of her head, I cannot stop myself.

There is a loud sound and her body falls from the chair onto the floor.
It is like she is watching me.

I see her cheeks, her eyes, her nose and mouth the blood pouring from her head.

I try to talk to her, but she no longer answers.

There is blood all over the floor. I try to wipe it up,
but I realize I cannot stop the flow of blood from her head.

It is very quiet here, there is only the silence of death.

I start to take off her clothes, it’s is hard to take the clothes off a dead body.

Finally it is done, her beautiful white body is before me, I’ve waited so long this day and now it is here. I touch and caress her ass, it is so very smooth i wonder where I should bite first.

I decide to bite the top of her butt my nose is covered with her cold white skin.

I try to beat down hard, but I can’t, suddenly i have a horrible headache. I get a knife from the kitchen and stab it deeply into her skin. Suddenly a lot of sallow fat oozes from the wound.

It reminds me of Indian corn, it continues to ooze. It is strange.

Finally I find the red meat under the sallow fat, I scoop it out and put it in my mouth. I chew.
It has no smell and no taste. It melts in my mouth like a perfect piece of tuna.

I look in her eyes and say: “You are delicious.”

I cut her body and lift the meat to my mouth again and again, then I take a photograph of her white corpse with its deep wounds on her and after that I have sex with her body.

When I hug her she lets out a breath. I’m frightened, she seems alive.

By now I am exhausted, but I cut into her hip and put the meat in a roasing pan.

After it is cooked I sit at the table using her underwear as a napkin, they still smell of her body.

Then I turn on the tape of her reading the German poem and eat.

There is not enough taste, i use some salt and some mustard and it is delicious, very high quality meat. Then I go back to the bathroom and cut off her breast and bake it. It swells while it cooks, i serve the breast on the table and eat it with a fork and knife.

It isn’t very good, too greasy.

Afterwards I sleep with her.

Next morning she is still here, she doesn’t smell bad and today I must finish cutting up her body.
I have to put it into suitcases and sink it in the lake and it will be her grave.

I touch the cold body again and i wonder where i should start, i start to cut off all the meat before amputating the limbs. While i cut her calf, i suddenly want to taste it. I see the beautiful red meat beneath the fat.

I grasp her knee and her ankle, and tear it with my teeth. It is tender. I slowly chew and savor it.

After eating most of the calf I look at myself in the mirror. There is grease all over my face. And then I start to eat at random. I bite her little toe, it still smell of her feet.

I stab the knife into her arch and see the red meat deep inside.

I thrust my fingers inside and dig out the meat and put it in my mouth.

It tastes okay then I stab the knife into her armpit.

Ever since I saw it under her yellow sleeveless top I wondered how it would taste this good. The wonderful taste cheers me up and I devour her underarm up to the elbow.

Finally I cut off her private parts, when I touch the pubic hair it has a very bad smell. I bite her clit, but it won’t come off, it just stretches. So I throw it in the frying pan and pop it in my mouth.

I chew very carefully and swallow it, It is so sweet.

After I swallow it, I feel her in my body and get hot. I turn the body over and open her buttocks,
revealing her anus i scoop it out with my knife and try to put it in my mouth.

It smells too much, I put it in the frying pan and throw it in my mouth.

It still smells, I spit it out. I go into the next room it smell of fat, like I’ve been frying a chicken.

It’s been 24 hours now, some huge flies hover and buzz in the bathroom. I try to chase them away, but they came back. They swarm on her face, they seem to tell me that I’ve lost her forever.

It is no longer her, where is she? She’s gone far away.

I’ve broken her, like a child who breaks his toy. I try to use an electric knife to cut her body. It doesn’t work. It just makes a loud sound. I use a hatchet, i strike several times. It’s hard work.

I strike her thigh and her body jumps up, if she could feel, it would have hurt.

Finally the thigh separates from her body.

I bite it again like I would bite a chicken leg, then I cut off her arms. It is even harder than the thigh.
I use the electric knife again, it’s makes a shrill sound like the sound of her shrill voice, it works this time.

Her hand still wears a ring and a bracelet, when I see her long fingers I am driven by another impulse.

I use her hand to masturbate her long fingers excite me.

When I’m finished i try to bite her finger off but i can’t, i am disappointed. I put her hands into the plastic bag along with her legs. And then I see her face. It is still quiet, she has a small nose and a sweet lower lip.

When she was alive I wanted to bite them.

Now I can satisfy that desire. It’s so easy to bite off her nose. As I chew the cartilage i can hear the noise.

I use a knife to cut off more of the cartilage and put it in my mouth, it really doesn’t taste very good. I scoop out her lower lip with my knife and put it in my mouth, it has hard skin.

I decide to eat it later when I can fry it.

So I put it in the refrigerator.

I want her tongue i can’t open her lower jaw but I can reach in between her teeth. Finally it comes out, i cut it off and put it in my mouth. It’s hard to chew, i see my face in the mirror. Her tongue entwined with my tongue, i try to close my mouth but her tongue slips out.

Finally I cut the skin off the tongue and taste the meat.

I try to eat her eyes, it’s hard for me to stab into them though it is the easiest part of her face. I can see tears coming out from them. It frightens me, as her eyes are all that is left of her face.

It is nearly a skull.

I decide to take out her stomach, when I stab under her navel a little fat appears and then I can see the red meat under the fat. I slice a piece of the red meat and put it on a plate.

Then I stab into the stomach, the internal organs appear.

There is a great length of rolled tubes and I find a gray bag at the end of the tubes, it must be the bladder. There is a strong smell as soon as I pick it up. I thrust my hand into her body cavity.

There is another bag. It must be her womb. If she had lived she would have had a baby in this womb. The thought depresses me for a moment.

I pull out the intestines. My hands sting from the digestive juices. At last I have to cut off her head.

It is the most difficult thing I have to do. I cut off the meat on her neck until I can see bone, then I cut again. She still wears her necklace. I try to use the electric knife, but it doesn’t work very well.

So I use the hatchet, i imagine myself on the guillotine. It is surprisingly easy to cut through.

With the head gone her body is now only flesh. When I grab the hair and hang up the head, I realize I am a cannibal. I put the head in a plastic bag. I separate the body and put it into two plastic bags.

They are heavy. It is hard to put them into the suitcases.

I am finished, It is midnight i call a taxi.

I am back home, i turn on the television and open the refrigerator.

I put the dishes on the glass table. I recognize each pieces of meat.

This is part of her hip and this is part of her thigh, i fry them on the stove and I set the table. There is mustard, salt, pepper and sauce. I put her underwear beside the dish.

I sniff it and look at a nude woman in a magazine.

I try to remember which part of her is in my mouth, but it is difficult to connect the meat with a body. It just seems like a piece of meat. I continue to eat her body until I am caught.

Each day the meat becomes more tender, each day the taste is more sweet and delicious.

LIKE MAJOR EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
anyway, this guy is insane okay, go wiki cannibalism or his name.
feel like throwing upppp. GROSS.

okay, goodnight.

I'll bid you Farewell.

2009-08-27T12:34:49Z

Today, i found out that the person that loved me for who i am and i loved had never loved me in the beginning. FML

I believed and loved you unconditionally, and if it's dependency you think i had, you're wrong.
it's too late i guess. i regret not telling you i loved you enough and when i could, i didn't.
my fault, my bad. i'm sorry for that, i'm sorry that i loved you and didn't heed your advice, i'm sorry i just simply wasn't good enough.
i'm sorry i cannot go back to being just friends with you because if we're friends, i'd have to smile when there's another girl in 3 months who's better unlike me and tell you that she's amazing, i can't tell you i love you anymore, i can't call you just to talk to you anymore, i can't make you listen to me anymore, i can't tell you to meet me just because i want to see you anymore, i can't hug you just because i miss you anymore, simply because now i know, you're not mine anymore. or rather you were never mine.
i'm sorry that i had this misconception.
i'm sorry that i thought everything was real when it was just a lie.
i'm sorry that i thought you loved me.
i'm sorry for wasting your time when you could have been out with kar wei,
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
but i don't think you even care and bother and sorry does not matter.
i'm sorry i even think you care.
i'm sorry i wanted an apology.
i'm sorry for even thinking that you'd give me an answer and an apology. i should have learnt by now that i musn't expect anything because i won't get anything, neither an apology nor an explanation.
i'm sorry i'm so stupid i'll never learn.
i'm sorry for everything i've done.
i'm sorry that i even exist.

HIATUS,
indefinitely, maybe i'll be gone, fast and long.

i would trade.

2009-08-24T14:54:30Z

August proves to be a screwed up month, and will elaborate in a bit.

My second and last paper is OVER! Perspectives in Early Education is a chao chee bai paper. super dumb, super a lot of content and super annoying. let's just skip that partt.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOLIDAYS FOR ME!
but what do i have? INTERNSHIP.
Excellent, really.

okay, back to how august stinks.

problems after problems, scare after scare.
first it was you, then it was my dad.
then it was cash flow, and now what does God or that man up there who's treating all of us like Sims?
i realized that every time something good happens, something bad will follow.
when i enjoy myself at peiqi's place, my dad gave a huge scare.
when i enjoyed a week with you, a bombshell is dropped.
as for cash flow, fuck that.

today was spent at ikea, the first time i felt lighter in about 3 weeks.
bought stuff for my younger sister as her present for Teacher's Day and some toys to play with and relief stress.
bought doughnuts and some kueh and tau huay home.
ate don't know how many chicken wings, pasta and meatballs at ikea.
only to come home feeling happy at first.

then here comes the other bombshell.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TRY TO TAKE AWAY THOSE THAT ARE CLOSE TO ME?
I LOVE MY DAD, I LOVE MY MOM, I LOVE MY AH MA AND I LOVE YOU.
what do you want from me, 2009?
My parents lost what they have built in 10 years.
My Mom went through what you would not know.
My Dad is weaker than i thought a man with a body as fit as a 30 year old would be.
As for you, i just wasn't good enough for you. That, i have no one but myself to blame.
Nickee just went last week.

YOU'VE HARMED 3/4 OF THE THINGS I HAVE.
you already damaged 3/4 and took away 1/4 of what i want.
is that not good enough for you? what i believed so much in, the things i hold dear, the things i don't say i love on a daily basis, you must take them away.
so you want to harm her now. you want to take her away. you want to torture me.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING US LIKE SIMS? YOU THINK YOU FUNNY IS IT?
LOOK, I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP.
when i start feeling happier and content with my life, you have to take away something, remove something.
make the things i love leave me, one by one.
i'm not letting you take her away, i'm not letting you win this time.
you've won way too many times this month. i'm not gonna let you win again.
take me instead, seriously. at least i don't have to go through all this nonsense and let you play me like a fool.

i'll wait, again.
and i seriously wonder which hurts more.
knowing that you'll never want me like i want you, the fact that i love you more than i knew, the fact that i was not existent in your future plans, or that i simply wasn't good enough in comparison to what you wanted in the future and never match up to your ego.
say 6 months, 1 year, 2 years down the road you're with somebody else.
and i just have to suck it in and tell myself: well, well jeanette, it's proven, you just were not loved. you just weren't good enough.

jeanettemad @ 2009-08-23T22:41:00

2009-08-23T14:49:26Z

i know i shouldn't be updating so often by i just need to get this out of my system.

An enemy is a remedy to a malady in your melody
if you're strong not brittle
And a friend is a friend
Is a friend to the end and it's oh so simple
A man is a man and a woman is woman
but the times we are living in demand
that a man can change from a woman
and a woman can demand to be a man
because we're flesh with socks and locks with frocks
and i am here to say to you
on the day that i die, i'll just give a smile and
fly into the blue.

i'll just take things as it is.
and wait, patiently.

there is no one like you.

2009-08-23T10:38:52Z

i'm left with 5 lectures to study for Perspectives in Early Education. damn, i need to pass that module.
if i have to end up retaking anything, i swear i'll flip.

today was spent waking up only at 12 noon and out for lunch. my mom finally had her first bite of Subway, duper cute lahh she.
grocery shopping, and home till some sad old people came to view my house.
stupid bitch, walk around the house as though it's hers.

i've met a couple of new people, maybe not new lahh.
but people i seldom, or never talk to.
it's the start of something new i guess.
things like these can start, but never will anything change.
i'm still waiting.

moving on,
this week is supposed to be International Friendship week.
and Cindy and Peiqi sent me some really cute text.
but i'm too lazy to reply.
SO HERE GOES TO ALL MY BELOVED PEOPLE:
who am i without you babes! major love.
and michelle dear, this includes you.

yes, who am i without you.
and who am i in position to comment, to question or to say anything.
i love you, and that is not enough.
it will never be enough.

note to self:
i love you. i'll give you space. i love you. i'll give you space. i love you, i'll give you space. x5
repeat, and you'll be fine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i must be bored. Roman Mythology was interesting.

They wove bright fables in the days of old,
When reason borrowed fancy's painted wings;

When truth's clear river flowed o'er sands of gold,
And told in song its high and mystic things!

And such the sweet and solemn tale of her
The pilgrim heart, to whom a dream was given,

That led her through the world,- Love's worshipper,-
To seek on earth for him whose home was heaven!

"In the full city,- by the haunted fount,-
Through the dim grotto's tracery of spars,-

'Mid the pine temples, on the moonlit mount,
Where silence sits to listen to the stars;

In the deep glade where dwells the brooding dove,
The painted valley, and the scented air,

She heard far echoes of the voice of Love,
And found his footsteps' traces everywhere.

"But nevermore they met! since doubts and fears,
Those phantom shapes that haunt and blight the earth,

Had come 'twixt her, a child of sin and tears,
And that bright spirit of immortal birth;

Until her pining soul and weeping eyes
Had learned to seek him only in the skies;

Till wings unto the weary heart were given,
And she became Love's angel bride in heaven!"

-T. K. Harper.

Bye Bye Love.

2009-08-22T07:45:51Z

Here i am, on a perfect Saturday afternoon typing this entry.
so many things i want to do, and yet i can't for some reason or another.

there's this little girl that came in when somebody came to view my house.
she's super cute, i swear to god.
in the future, i want to give birth to a girl. not a boy. boys are pain in the necks and i don't want to know that in the future, my son will be going around getting other girls pregnant or breaking other girl's hearts and being a pain in the butt or getting slapped by girls. so i want a girl.
girls aren't such a pain, girls slap can slap boys and the whole world will agree; she must have done it out of 'self defense'.
i can by Barbie Dolls and pink prams and clothes and pink shoes for girls.
boys are schmoys- Transformers and GI Joes and Hot Wheels are boring.
So sometimes, i thank god for the curse my family has.
at least i know that if we were to get pregnant, there's a 90% chance it's a girl.
i don't want a son, at least if i do end up having a son, one son is enough. the other has to be a girl.
But yes, i'm almost sure that there'll never be a son in the family, which is excellent- the men can continue to marry in. the women can continue to be happy.
but it is fair, if you think about it. the men, although they marry in, they still dominate- head of the family.

okay yes, this post is entirely pointless, but it's just the idea of future plans. but all this can only happen if i get married. BAH. not going to happen. i'm not getting married. too bad. there will always be my nieces.

i'm still waiting.

straight through my heart.

2009-08-21T15:03:22Z

What a crummy day.
besides having an Exam, i fell down.
my hip hurts like mad and there's a huge bruise and all.
when i thought what could be worse?
A HUGE INDUSTRIAL SIZE COCKROACH FOLLOWED ME HOME.
excellent. really.
now i'm injured, afraid and bleedin' upset.
raaahh.

One down, to the ground. Developmental Psychology was bad, but wasn't as bad as i thought it would. last minute doesn't pay off definitely.
PEE on Monday, pray i don't die.

i'm blonde but not that blonde now. IT'S BROWN. just very light. must insist. and i'm not capitol barbie.

Dear you,
i know you're tired. but really i hope you just spend 1 hour, just 1.
i'm honest with myself. and i know you more than you know yourself.
and you know that. be honest with yourself.
or you're just wasting your own time.
which explains why this can never be solved.
i'll belong to you if you just let me through.
until you tell me, i wil not question.
space and time for you not to think, but to be honest.
i agree: talk is cheap and words are empty.
but my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak.
you don't want to make promises you can't keep- you want to prove so with actions.
but you know you can't. so you told me.
to me, promises are but words; are but excuses to be used in defence.
but your plan, just words, aren't they?
reality has shown-
i did what you told me to- to let go- and nearly succeded. but that one line. that anger. it gave me hope.
just as empty as you think your promises are- all are nothing but words. how cheap.
and so you'd say now: do it again, let go.
provide me another reason, and banish these same old words to hell.
my actions have proved this not possible a second time: we both need to be free.
i'm not blaming you; in your defence, you said you warned me.
once again, warnings are but words. remember; it was reciprocal.
your actions proved you dependable, all i did was to reciprocate.
you knew it, you saw your mistake, you knew i'd cling on to what's left- anger.
but i won't just say it anymore.
for it'll all be words.
so no matter how long it takes i'll wait for you.
watch me.
for actions speak way louder than words.

Meanwhile, i'll just have chocolate.

so many words, for the broken heart.

2009-08-20T10:11:06Z

this holiday/study/exam week has indeed been tough on everyone.

Dear Nicole Lim Hui (ting),

you've been there, when i was in Sec 1. My lovely senior, Section Leader, teacher and Friend. who never failed to make us happy and laugh. Despite you having a bad day, that uncanny knack to put a smile on everyone's face. You taught us to play, taught as everything you knew. Never mean, never angry, never impatient. But very very noisy. How you used to burp loudly in my face, how you used to smack our boobs, unclip our bras, make us play the "guess your bra colour" game, give us wedgies. Friendly, happy, very beautiful girl. the memories we shared, they're tucked away, safely in my heart and will be cherished. i miss you much, nicole. But i know you're some place safe, free from this evil, tormenting world full of lies. You left us way too soon, without any proper closure, but the only comfort i have, is that you indeed are safe from harm.

My deepest condolences to the Lim family and Edison. I know it's painful, and it's not possible to let go. Nicole is indeed beautiful, and all we have of her are just memories. Weep, mourn and we all have to move on. we all love nickee, and my deepest sympathy really. it hurts.

August proves to be a troublesome month. on the other hand, i just heard some news. it's a touchy issue, eh Cindy?

between us, all that's left are memories.
yet you don't want me to forget and let them go.
but what am i to do,
when i know you'll never want me like i want you?

jeanettemad @ 2009-08-18T00:13:00

2009-08-17T16:15:26Z

THANK YOU TAMMIE FOR SENDING ME THEM NOTES!
:D

it's past 12, i is happy.
go away, you koh-pee kat.

jeanettemad @ 2009-08-17T01:06:00

2009-08-16T17:08:10Z

Please be okay.
I'll be good from now on, I promise.

easier said than done.

2009-08-16T08:19:36Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
WEIXING RATCHANAKORN CHANGPROM LESBIAN FARMER LIM!
YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME NOW. (:

Weixing's party was fun.
most of the elites turned up, at least the active ones.
food, drinks (lots), water.
all in all it was fun.
showered, with a heavy heart and throbbing headache,
slept on peiqi's bed till morning, awoken by not exactly the best news ever.
many emotions, many feelings.
what was i thinking when i said i could handle it?
Joseph, you and i really should switch roles and end it all.
OH WELL.

Når du kommer tilbage til mit liv, jeg vil sikre os, at ingen af dette nogensinde sker igen.
Så jeg tiggeri du ikke forlade mig.
I hvert fald ikke nu, ikke når jeg har brug for dig mest.

i'm begging you, please, just not now.
not when i need you the most.

Hello World.

2009-08-14T13:55:06Z

I am back.

not exactly.
i haven't been feeling better, but i guess it's time i should bounce back up.
regain my independence, and learn my lesson.
never to rely on anyone or anything.
don't expect anything from me, just as much as i don't expect anything from you.
you know what i'm trying to say, don't pretend.
it seems far, as far as how an unknown someone would take to walk into your life.
but your solution isn't the only solution, there is still mine.
please listen to it and let me sit on the sidelines, no pressure.
you're probably decided, but like i said, so am i.
if i had my choice, it'd go the way i wished.
i know i shouldn't have,
because for every wish that is granted, something else is taken away,
or at least something must be sacrificed.
maybe i made 1 tiny mistake when i wished on that falling star,
because i didn't wish for us to solve our problems,
i simply wished for you.

a shout-out to those who care and i know will always be with me:
Cindy, Michelle, Joseph,
thank you so much for being there.
i know i was being a nasty bitch and said many nasty things.
Cindy although you didn't say much but i knew you'd always be there to cry on. (:
Michelle, my source of comfort and emotional controller though sometimes you lose control yourself.
thanks for the late night talks and knocking sense into me. didn't work, but yeah, you meant well.
Joseph Josephine, the talk we had that day was good and i know you'd always be there to listen.
it wasn't easy for you to come clean about certain things,
and for you to tell me what to do, especially when it's coming from you.
thank you guys so so so much.
Peiqi and Mingtjun,
HAHA. the 24/7 "are you okay couple".
you all like on shift, either one will ask me "are you alright"?
Thank you guys, really appreciate it x4184714789174.
Latiff and Fee,
thanks for the perpetually free hugs!
(:

on to another topic,
i can't wait till tomorrow,
the people, the place, the sleepover.
here i come.